


Subtle Melancholy

by Onlymostydead



Series: Fictober 2019 [18]
Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dysphoria, F/F, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Takes Place During/After Season 1, Trans Artemis Crock, Trans Female Character, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21846034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymostydead/pseuds/Onlymostydead
Summary: Some days are good, everything going fine, the team getting along well-Others are bad, she tears herself apart, and everything falls apart-But other days? Artemis wakes up like this.
Relationships: Artemis Crock/Zatanna Zatara
Series: Fictober 2019 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1501937
Kudos: 28





	Subtle Melancholy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by an artwork of the same name by Nbwolverwine on tumblr!
> 
> Fictober Day 22? 23? It's December.

There are good days, and there are bad days, and there are some days...

Artemis rolled over in bed, dreading waking up. She could already tell what kind of day this was going to be, and she wanted no part of it. Couldn't she just go back to sleep, completely forget all of it, wake up tomorrow refreshed and ready for another day?

Because on good days, well... That needs no real explaining. Everything goes right. Missions with the team go smoothly, all her friends are getting along well, her dysphoria is deciding to be quiet - it all just plays together well. Her body is as much a part of her as her mind, fitting just perfectly, never even questioned.

Perfect harmony.

And recently, more often than not, that's how things had been. Artemis really liked it here, on this team. Honestly, they worked more like siblings than friends, as weird as it was for her to admit. She didn't need more siblings, with how... Complicated, those turned out for her. Memories of Jade flashing across her head didn't often make her day better.

But Artemis pushed those thoughts out of her head. Siblings. The team. Don't think about her.

Well... They were almost like siblings... With the exception of her and Zatanna, and that had been like a dream. She was, well...

Even feeling like she was, tired and half miserable in bed, Artemis couldn't help but smile. She had to be the luckiest girl anywhere. Being with Zatanna just made it that way. Her life was just a little brighter, a little better.

But even so...

Having the best team, the best... Found family... The best girlfriend - none of it stopped the vague, grey days, when the light couldn't touch a damn thing.

They weren't bad, at least. Because bad days came with waking up screaming, feeling like she was wrong, wrong, wrong - a stranger in her own skin, looking around at her teammates like...

Like it was all fake.

Because she and Kaldur could trade little snide comment, snarky remarks, but did he actually like her as a friend? Value her as a teammate? Was she more trouble than she was worth, what with her supervillain connections and... Difficulty taking orders, sometimes? She questioned all authority, heroes, teammates - everyone. She never quite knew what she could trust.

And she and Conner could chill out after a long day, they could hang out with Wolf or work together on a mechanics project, but how did he really see her as a person? There were few people he was really close to anyway; did he just think of her as intruding on the group? As a threat?

Wally... Well, she and Wally had come a long way. But did he still actually resent her? Was all of the joking and messing around still just a cover?

And M'gann - would she eventually snap, too? Sure, she was so kind, and patient, and everything else, but it seemed impossible at times that her reactions were genuine.

Robin was always lying about this and that; would that be so far of a stretch? For him to not trust her even, after all this time? For Batman to not trust her, and have him watch her?

Raquel hadn't even been here as long as she had, and already she fit in better. Whose side would she really go with?

And Zatanna...

Artemis sighed, burying her face in the pillow. On a bad day, she would tear herself apart, every bit and piece that wasn't worthy of Zatanna. 

And that was the temptation now.

Just like her dad used to do compared to her sister, compared to his standard; just with different standards. Her own.

It was brutal, and she knew it; they had talked about it, even. There wasn't a single part of herself that she couldn't find something wrong with, from the starts of her roots growing in to the size of her feet. Of course, she could fix her roots, but everything else...

But no. That temptation wasn't strong enough to give in like that. On a bad day, yes, she would tear herself apart, but this wasn't so bad. She could focus on some of the good, at least. She hated parts of her face, how strong her forehead seemed, her jaw, how masculine it was, but there were also good things. Her hair was lovely, even though she had to pull it back most days so it was out of the way. 

Archery and long hair didn't exactly mix.

Her brows, though bold and strong, we're always crisp and well-kept. Other girls were jealous of those brows and she knew it. And while she herself was indifferent...

Zatanna loved her eyes. She would wax poetic about how beautiful a shade of grey they were, about how gorgeous, like a stormy ocean, like a thundercloud, like a whirlpool... Like nature, dangerous and untamed, flashing and flickering, always changing.

Artemis was never sure if she believed Zatanna's colorful descriptions like that, but... She loved to listen to her talk, especially when she got like that. It made her throat go dry, her heart pound in her chest, all of the words abandoned her. 

Maybe that's what she should do. Get up out of this bed, where she was wallowing in her misery, and find her girlfriend.

A pang went through her chest. 

Selfish. Don't bother her.

Artemis rolled her eyes, pulling herself up into a sitting position. That was the devil on her shoulder talking; when had she ever turned away Zatanna when she needed her? Wheb failed missions and nightmares got too much? When she was missing her dad? When she was just having a rough day? No matter what was going on, Artemis was always willing to hold her, to comfort her, to brew some tea and make it all alright.

Well, she couldn't make it all alright. But she could at least soothe the pain. Talk her through some of it if she wanted to talk, or distract her if she wanted a distraction.

Right now, she didn't know what she wanted. She just knew that she shouldn't keep herself all alone like this, isolated in her room, sitting up in bed trying desperately not to give in to all the temptations to make this worse.

Because that was the worst thing about days like this, wasn't it? She wasn't angry. She wasn't resentful, at her father, at her sister, at herself for being like this. She was just sad and tired, a subtle melancholy overcoming her entire body that refused to give in to whatever she did to make it better.

So all she wanted to do was make it worse, so she could feel something.

Artemis groaned, dragging herself up out of bed entirely, taking care to stretch. That wasn't what she was going to do. Right now, she was going to pull on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, drag a hairbrush through the tangled mess on her head, then go to Zatanna's room. Not even looking in the mirror. Not even letting her tear herself apart.

Not like she needed the mirror to do that; it was just easier that way.

Mechanically, forcing her body to move, she did as she planned. Sweatpants, always loose around her too-small hips.

Her hips that Zatanna loved, that she rested her delicate hands on, that she held when they kissed. Strong hips, that let her do what she wanted to do. That let her move and fight and kick and dance.

It didn't, by any means, end up with a positive feeling, but it was better than just wallowing. Artemis sighed, yanking on a hoodie. The baggy fabric hid her torso entirely; who was to say what was or wasn't under there? Even if she knew, she would never tell. So what, she had no tits? There were more important things than that.

Yanking a brush through her hair had to be the one thing that she didn't really feel anything negative about, right now. Sure, she needed to touch up her roots where they were growing in, that little bit of dark brown drawing her eyes to her scalp, but that... Really wasn't a big deal. 

Especially not with the way Zatanna played with her hair, running her hands through it during movies, braiding it when they got bored, or on long trips in the bioship. It reminded her so much sometimes of first leaning to braid, to do her hair, how Jade had taught her...

Sure, the memories were bittersweet. But she tried to focus on the good, at times like these. 

She liked her hair for herself too, of course. That was why she grew it out in the first place, why she dyed it, why she dealt with all the struggles of being a long-haired archer, snagged hair and tangled bowstrings and every other problem. But days like this? It was easier sometimes to focus on other people's opinions.

It was hard to admit, but it was true.

Why it was true was harder to admit. Maybe it was because she didn't fully trust herself. Maybe it was because she was still desperate for love and attention. Maybe it was because hearing people's opinions of her reminded her in some sick way of her father's comments growing up, of those comparisons to Jade, and it felt like the most true way to know herself. 

That would make the most sense, considering that she had a hard time believing the positive side.

Which brought her back to her friends, Artemis figured, as she worked through a particularly tough section of hair. There was more positive than her bad days would let her believe. 

They loved her. They cared about her. They truly were a family, in an odd way, and she was no less a part of that than anyone else was.

Finishing up with her brush, she grabbed a hairband and yanked her hair up into a high ponytail. Routine. Normal. Then she grabbed her phone...

(Artemis): Hey, Zee, you up?

She waited, sitting back down on the bed, just staring blankly at the phone screen. Turning on the lights in the room might have been a good idea. Right now, the only real light in the room was coming from her phone, burning her eyes.

Artemis didn't mind the feeling, though. She was just tired. Another symptom of days like this.

(Zatanna): Yeah, why?

(Artemis): Can I just go to your room?

(Zatanna): With me in it?

(Artemis): No, of course not.

She rolled her eyes, knowing that she would understand the sarcasm in that text.

(Zatanna): Want me to make some tea?

(Artemis): Actually...

(Artemis): That sounds great

(Zatanna): No problem, babe <3

(Zatanna): Come on over, and I'll be there in a few

And yeah, she'd probably always have days like this, and have a hard time trusting others, and believing herself, but...

Going over, on the way to her room...

"Hey, Arty." Zatanna leaned up on her tiptoes, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "How're you doing?"

Right now, everything was quiet.

"Mm," Artemis hummed, eyes falling shut. "Better now."

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr at Supertinywords or Supertinybats!
> 
> Requests are open, but not DC!
> 
> Comments are love <3


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